“There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”
I’m not much of a self-help book person, but I think this book is more about helping others. How can we make others feel loved? How can we make others feel truly seen? And for this extrovert, how to just shut up and listen! How to Know a Person is a practical guide to the art of truly knowing another person in order to foster deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives.
Book Summary of How to Know a Person
All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of us: If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to?
Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection. How to Know a Person helps readers become more understanding and considerate toward others, and to find the joy that comes from being seen. Along the way it offers a possible remedy for a society that is riven by fragmentation, hostility, and misperception.
The act of seeing another person, Brooks argues, is profoundly How can we look somebody in the eye and see something large in them, and in turn, see something larger in ourselves? How to Know a Person is for anyone searching for connection and yearning to be understood.
David Brooks Discussion Guide
“The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,” George Bernard Shaw wrote, “but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.” How can we learn to see people better? What tools did you take from this book to put into practice to love others better?
Brooks discusses ways to connect with others through shared experiences and actively listening. How can we build on our relationships with active listening? What are some essential questions we should ask to forge health conversations and better understanding?
Brooks reflects on his personal journey from emotional detachment to a more open-hearted and connected way of living. He introduces the concepts of “Diminishers” (those who diminish others’ humanity) and “Illuminators” (those who see and value others deeply). If you had to judge your own journey, where do you lie on the spectrum?
In the end, Brooks talks about how our ancestors and familial history impact our narrative. How can this knowledge better shape how we identify others? How can we actively work against society’s attempts to generalize everyone and “put them in a box?”
Toward the end of the book, Brooks mentions another great read Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Check it out next!
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